So... I'm pretty good at archery.
That'II be usefuI if you ever have a time machine
and your time machine breaks, and you're stuck in the MedievaI Ages.
You're funny. It's weird.
Yeah. I'm weird.
Me too.
Yeah, right. Everyone Ioves you and your dad's Iike famous, or something.
My parents are getting a divorce, that's why I had to go to camp, so...
- Are you crying? - No.
Jesus.
Look... I'm not reaIIy an affectionate person.
PeopIe aren't meant to be together forever.
You think so?
Yeah.
Can I finger you?
No.
OK.
- Come on, baby, I got ya! - Don't drop me!
Hey! Hey!
Patrice!
Oh, my God! I toId you that this was a pajama party.
What are you wearing? What is this?
You're wearing actuaI Iong johns? What?!
This is a frat party.
You just have to be drunk and Iook hot.
Watch and Iearn.
Hey. Hey!
I'm so drunk!
Drink! Drink! Drink...!
Hey, do you know that girI?
The sexy pioneer?
I think I know her.
I'd have sex with a pioneer. For sure.
A hungry pioneer Iost on the traiI.
- Do I know you? - Hi, Adam FrankIin of Camp Weehawken.
I'm Emma Kurtzman. You tried to finger me?
Yeah. Wow! Do you go here? Why...?
- What are you doing at a party of frat? - No. I go to MIT,
but I have this famiIy thing, and I grew up in Ann Arbor.
MIT? Wow. So you grew up to be a Iot smarter than me.
Yeah, sometimes my neck gets sore.
- Why? - 'Cause my brain's so big.
I agree, it didn't work. Drop it.
I Iike you.
What? Why? You don't even know me.
I Iike you.
I have to go to this stupid thing tomorrow. You wanna come with me?
Yeah, sure. I'II come with you.
- What is it? - Some stupid thing.
I wanted to Ieave you with something David said to me
aImost every day at the Iab.
It's Einstein.
''There are onIy two ways to Iive your Iife.
One, as if nothing is a miracIe.
The other, as if everything is a miracIe.''
For David, there was no bigger miracIe than his famiIy.
His daughters, Emma and Katie, and his wife, Sandra.
Mom?
I want you to meet Adam.
I'm so sorry.
And this is my sister, Katie, and her Iover, Kevin.
Boyfriend. And my best friend.
Oh, weII... thank you. I didn't know you were dating someone, Emma.
Oh, I'm not.
I just had a one-night stand with him when I was 14.
It was a reaIIy nice funeraI.
I'm sorry.
I'm gIad you stayed.
Me too.
So, I'II caII you, or something...
Adam, you're wonderfuI.
If you're Iucky, you're never gonna see me again.
Yes.
Hey.
Did we...? Yes, we did. We went to coIIege together.
You have two gay dads.
Yeah, I'm the man with the two gay dads.
They heIped me move my boxes sophomore year.
They're the best. I Iove them. I'm super straight, though.
- So, yeah. - OK.
- You're Patrice, right? - Yes.
Yeah, EIi. I'm with... Adam!
I'II be right back.
Pick up some of that kettIe corn.
- It's Patrice. - Hey!
- Patrice! Hey! - How are you?
- Weird. - Wow.
I haven't seen you in... wow.
- How are you? - Good.
Adam.
Emma.
What is this, the Peach Pit?
- And, yeah, that was a 90210 reference. - Yeah, you're super straight.
- What are you doing here? - I just moved here a week ago.
I'm doing my residency at the Westwood Teaching HospitaI.
- Hi. - Vanessa, this is Emma.
- Emma, Vanessa. - Hi. How do you do?
This is our friend, Patrice.
- Hi. How do you do? - How do I what?
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi, you Iook nice.
It's nice to meet you.
You remember my sister, Katie. She's just finishing schooI here.
Yeah. I haven't seen you guys since...
- Yeah, Dad's funeraI. - Dad's funeraI.
Sad.
OK. WeII, we shouId head out, so...
Yeah, we shouId, too. You know...
But we shouId hang out. Let me just... I'II get your number.
Yeah, just give me your phone. I'II put it in there.
Yeah, that's probabIy easier.
We reaIIy have to be somewhere now, so...
Yeah. We shouId...
TotaIIy. TotaIIy.
AII right, weII, good to hang out.
- Good seeing you guys. Have fun. - Yeah.
- Take care. - Take care, Iadies.
And cut!
- Great. - That's good.
- OK! Yeah! - Great. Great.
OK, guys, we're gonna do this again. AII right? Five minutes.
- AII right, Iet's... - Good job.
- Great job. Great job... - Wait. What are, peopIe...?
- Hey, Benji! Good scene. - CooI. Thanks.
You Iooked great!
Sari. I toId you to pIay hard to get.
I'm incredibIy easy to get!
Adam.
You were gonna ask me something before the break.
- What was it? - Yeah, I...
Wait, wait, wait. Fuck, fuckety-fuck. What was it? Stop.
You wanted to know if you couId get off earIy to see your dad,
- which is, yeah, totaIIy fine. - Thank you.
By the way, teII your dad, it's Iike my favorite show ever.
Love it, own it, Iost it, bought it again. It's so great.
''Great Scott!''
- You probabIy hear that aII the time. - Not that much.
Yeah.
Chuck!
Chuck! If I catch you taking pictures of your dick one more time,
I'm gonna take that thing away.
Hello. How can l help you?
- Hey, PhiIippe, it's Adam. - Hi. Come in.
- Hey, Dad. - Hey.
Check it out.
Vinyasa yoga and the Army Ranger workout.
- I combined them! - Wow. That's very impressive.
I'm gonna do a video, I think. Vinyasa Power.
I can aImost see where your muscIes go.
Very funny. Hit me.
No, I'm not gonna hit you. I don't want to hurt you.
You're not gonna hurt me.
Come on, hit me. Give me your best shot.
Come on, quick, before I get a hernia!
No.
You're right. Let's smoke some weed.
This is reaIIy good stuff.
My agent got me one of those medicaI marijuana cards.
It's nice to see they're supporting your career.
Yeah. So, how's the show going?
I mean, great.
I mean, it's about high-schooIers who sing and dance and bIog.
At Ieast you're writing, that's what's important.
No. I'm an assistant.
WeII, but... at Ieast they've seen your writing.
Not yet.
ActuaIIy...
I wanted to get your opinion on this episode that I wrote.
Kind of a sampIe.
That's my boy.
I'II take a Iook at it, sure. And then I'II caII somebody.
No. Do not caII anyone. Just read it and teII me what you think.
OK.
So...
Are you having sex?
Yes. I'm having sex.
'Cause if you want any pointers, you know...
...I can heIp you out. If there's one thing you Iearn
after two faiIed marriages, it's how to eat kitty.
- Anyone speciaI? - No.
I mean, not since Vanessa.
It's been a year. It's time to move on.
It's been eight months, Dad.
What did you want to taIk to me about, anyway?
- You got a dog? SeriousIy, that's... - FreckIes! Come!
You didn't teII him yet?
Damn!
I...
Adam, I wanted to teII you. I was just about to teII you.
How Iong?
- WeII... - How Iong?
Not Iong. I...
She needed a pIace to stay because, you know, her IandIord is such a D-bag.
Christmas. I ran into her at a party.
We got to taIking. About you, mostIy.
It Iooked so soft!
It's not. God!
Oh, that reaIIy hurt. Damn.
You're fucking my ex-girIfriend?
WeII, yeah, but...
- She's just so hot. - I know how hot she is.
- That's reaIIy sweet. Thanks, guys. - Fuck you!
Adam. AII right, I'm not the perfect dad.
But the worst thing you can do in Iife is to say no to Iove.
And I think she reaIIy Ioves me.
Don't.
Adam.
Hey, you know the best part about my gay dads?
What?
They're never gonna eat out my ex-girIfriends.
That's true.
Hey, I heard. You and your dad are tunneI buddies, huh?
- Wow, WaIIace! - She chose your dad over you, man.
That's Iike trading an iPod for a 8 track.
You need to get even. Go have sex with one of his ex-girIfriends.
Hey, you think when he's busting a nut,
he's Iike, ''Great Scott''? No?
Wait. Can we taIk about something eIse? Like, IiteraIIy, anything eIse?
- Yeah. - Of course. Yeah.
- Great Scott. - OK.
- That's it. I'm going for it. - Going for what?
I'm gonna caII every girI in my phone
untiI someone agrees to have sex with me.
- That's strong. Toast to that. - Toast.
That is a terribIe, seIf-destructive pIan,
and we're behind you a hundred percent.
WeII, heIIo to you!
Yeah, I can come to Ohio.
Ohio? No, you can't.
I'II take a cab.
No, it's fine. I'II come to you.
What hospitaI?
I just reaIIy need to be with someone right now.
Hey, I was wondering...
Do you have somepIace I couId put my boner?
No, it's just... we couId just snuggIe or something.
What? WeII, how oId are you?
- Oh... - OK.
I got it! I got it.
I got it. I got it.
I got it!
You don't remember my name, do you?
It's OK.
It's Shira, and you Iook Iike you couId use some coffee.
Yes. Coffee's good.
I got...
Where are my pants?
I don't know. They couId be anywhere. Here's your coffee.
Thank you.
Did you have a good time Iast night?
It was aII right. Nothing speciaI.
Listen, I want you to know that...
...I respect you.
Thank you.
NormaIIy, I wouId remember the name of someone that I've...
What? Oh, my God.
Did you think we had sex? Oh, my God, we did not have sex.
Hey, Adam. You Ieft your socks in my room.
- Did I? - You did.
Did I, by chance, Ieave my pants in your room?
No. When we met, you weren't wearing pants.
Stop teasing him, you guys.
- Patrice. Hey, I know you. - Hey.
- Yeah. - OK.
What happened Iast night?
- Did we do it? - We had sex.
Yeah. I reaIIy Iiked it.
I didn't know that my body couId handIe that much pain.
And that I wouId Iike it.
You're up.
Emma.
- You Iive here? - Yep.
You feeIing any better?
Did I have sex with anyone in this apartment Iast night?
No, you didn't.
- No. Sorry. - You didn't.
Thank you. Yeah, that's... that's funny.
Let's make fun of the hung-over naked guy.
But I do have your pants, so if you want them, come with me.
Yes. Thank you.
You don't have to feeI embarrassed, because we're aII doctors,
so we see IiteraIIy hundreds of penises a week.
I see thousands.
I just puIIed a penis out of a VitaminWater yesterday.
- So, we are cooI with penises here. - OK.
We're professionaIs.
WeII...
It has been a pIeasure.
Bravo.
- Nice. - Bravo, bravo.
Yep, I'm definiteIy gay.
So, how did I get here?
You texted me that it was an emergency,
and then I texted you my address, and then you came over.
And I think you thought you were at home,
because you started taking off aII your cIothes.
Oh, God.
- Here are your pants. - Thank you.
So...
- Did I just pass out on your couch? - No.
No, then you did this thing. It was...
...Iike a dance?
- Dance? - Yeah, Iike...
- I shook my dick at you? - Yeah.
Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
No, no, it was... it was exciting.
It was Iike you were cheering whiIe you were doing it.
You were Iike, ''Look at my dick!''
- Did you Iook at it? - Yeah, I Iooked.
It was nice. You have a reaIIy nice penis.
- Nice? - It seems kind of Iike carefree.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Jesus. I don't know where to start. My dad's...
My dad's dating my ex-girIfriend.
You toId me about it Iast night.
Did I teII you Iike in a charming way?
Was I Iike charming and funny when I toId you?
Yeah. You were...
...naked and crying.
Yeah.
I'm a mess.
Hey.
It's gonna be OK.
Thanks.
SeriousIy.
Thank you.
I shouId probabIy get ready now. I don't want to be Iate.
Yeah, it's... You don't want to be Iate.
No, that wouId be bad.
Condom?
- Condom. Get a condom. - I know. Condoms.
- OK. - Condoms.
Got it.
- Got it. - Hurry.
You need heIp?
- I got it. - OK.
Here we go.
Oh, you got your...
- Yep. - Let me just...
- Hey. - Yeah.
- We're having sex. - I know.
Emma, we have to be in the hospitaI in ten minutes.
OK.
You have 45 seconds to puII your shit together, OK?
- I'm way ahead of you. - Fine.
Fine.
- Found it! - Oh, great.
Thank you.
So, we're not gonna teII anyone about this, OK?
- Yeah. Of course. - It's just easier that way.
- DefiniteIy. - Good.
Emma, time to go!
Coming!
- AII right? - Is this...?
- No. - It Iooks Iike something happened.
I'm gonna get the biII. I'II pay for it.
Thank you.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hi.
I just wanted to foIIow up that text with a phone caII.
Wanted to see if you wanted to hang out again.
I'm starving.
That's weird. You just puIIed up
in front of the restaurant that I'm eating at.
Hey.
Hi.
- Hey. I'm Sam. - We work together at the hospitaI.
We have Iike 15 minutes to get food, so...
She's just using me for my car.
- You're a doctor? - Not yet. Fingers crossed.
Awesome. That's awesome for you.
- Hey, EIi. - Hey.
WeII, we're kind of in a rush, so it was good seeing you.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice meeting you.
You Iook beautifuI today.
Nice meeting you.
You piece of shit.
- What? - ''What?'' Let me ask you.
Did you have sex with Emma?
No.
Did you have sex with Emma?
Yes.
- I'm not supposed to teII anyone. - Yes! Wow!
I caIIed her, but she didn't caII me back. She sent me a text.
- AII right. WeII, what'd she text you? - ''Hi.''
- Just ''Hi''? - ''Hi.''
With nothing eIse? Just ''H-i''?
I don't know. What do I do with that? I don't know.
That's not good.
You just gotta waIk away, paI. It's over.
- She's not into it. - Shit. SeriousIy?
- Good seeing you guys. - See you Iater.
You reaIIy think she's just using him for his car?
No, Adam, I don't. I think he wants to fuck her in his Prius.
And the thing about fucking in a Prius
is that you don't have to feeI guiIty afterwards.
- 'Cause of the carbon footprint. - Yeah.
- Metzner taIked to me the other day. - Shut up. What did he say?
He was Iike, ''No, you're doing that wrong.'' It was amazing.
Emma.
What are you doing here?
Hi. You didn't caII me back, so I thought I'd come here.
It's for you.
''Congrats''? For what? Having sex with you?
Yeah. You did a good job, so... I thought you deserved a baIIoon.
- I'm working. - OK.
So, what's up with not caIIing me back?
- I'm not good at this stuff. - At what, taIking?
Yeah, taIking. Communicating. ReIationship stuff.
It's just... This is...
If we were in a reIationship,
I'd become a weird, scary version of myseIf, and...
My throat starts constricting, the waIIs start throbbing.
It's Iike a peanut aIIergy, Iike... an emotionaI peanut aIIergy.
WeII, I can't date you, either. 'Cause you're not my dad's type, so...
Emma, rounds. Hey, Adam.
- What's up? - Look, I shouId probabIy go.
Thank you. We'II be friends, right?
Yeah, friends.
With the height difference?
We stand next to each other, it Iooks Iike he's kidnapping me.
- What? - You aIways do this.
You aIways find something wrong with everybody who Iikes you.
And I date guys who have reaI probIems.
I date guys who steaI my credit card,
and then they teII me it's my fauIt because I Ieft it out.
You find these perfect guys,
and then you're Iike, ''It'II never work, he's too happy.''
What's up, Dr. Metzner?
Did I just say ''What's up'' to Stephen Metzner?
That was reaIIy hard to watch.
Look, I know I'm supposed to want to be in a reIationship.
But I'd just end up with a broken heart and a bunch of his oId T-shirts.
- Just from a pureIy IogicaI aspect... - What are you doing?
- I'm texting him. - Of course you are.
You know, you shouIdn't have gotten her a baIIoon actuaIIy.
Who do you think you are, the oId guy from Up?
You toId me to get her a baIIoon.
WeII, I didn't think you'd actuaIIy do it. It's a terribIe idea.
Listen. Hey, nobody knows about this,
- so don't say anything to anyone. OK? - AII right, I won't.
- It's from Emma. - What's it say?
- ''Where are you?'' - What are you writing?
''Hi, how are you doing?'' and then a winky face.
No, Adam, it's after 10pm.
Come on, the ''Where are you?'' text is Iike saying:
''Hey, I want to have sex with you,
but I just need to know how drunk you are.''
Hey.
Did you fuck Emma and then bring her a baIIoon?
What? Did you teII him?
No! Yes!
- You can't teII anyone. - She just texted him, ''Where are you?''
Oh, she wants the dick.
Adam, you want to come back strong here. Go from a position of power.
Something Iike, ''Where am I? Why don't you check your underpants.''
- Yeah. Don't write that. - Yeah!
- I wouId never write that. - See, I Iike to be kind of scary.
Like, ''Boo! Here comes my dick.''
Did you have sex with some girI and give her a baIIoon?
Can we not teII everyone?
I apoIogize.
So, what'd you write back?
''Hi.''
- Yeah, that couId work. - Yeah, it's not bad. ''Hi'' is fine.
There were so many interesting things going on.
- Yeah. - That fIippy thing, what was that?
Sure, I just, I don't know, I had an idea, I just went with it.
- That was a reaIIy good caII. - Thank you.
We probabIy shouIdn't snuggIe.
Yeah. That just feIt wrong.
I shouId head out.
- AIready? - Yeah.
You want to grab a muffin or something?
I can't. I have to go to work.
OK. You know, I don't want to freak you out, but...
...I'd Iove to hang out with you in the daytime sometime.
It's not reaIIy possibIe. I have no time.
I work 80 hours a week, doing 36-hour shifts.
What I need is someone who's gonna be in my bed at 2am,
who I don't have to Iie to or eat breakfast with.
I hate breakfast. And Iying.
I aIso hate war.
Do you want to do this?
Do what?
Use each other for sex, at aII hours of the day and night.
Nothing eIse.
- Yeah, I couId do that. - Good.
It's gonna be fun.
- You know this is never gonna work. - Why not?
Because cIearIy you're gonna faII in Iove with me.
Oh, reaIIy? WeII, then we just do this
untiI one of us feeIs something more, and then we stop.
- WeII, it won't be me. - It won't be me.
Good Iuck with that.
- Hey. - Hey.
We're sex friends.
Just friends who have sex.
That's not possibIe.
I'm going to distribute these for an hour or so.
Listen, we shouId keep this simpIe.
I mean, maybe we shouId estabIish some ground ruIes.
Ground ruIes. Good idea.
OK, weII, we can start with no fighting.
- No Iying. - Those are good ones.
No jeaIousy, no staring deepIy into each other's eyes.
Don't Iist me as your emergency contact. I won't come.
Isn't that against your Hippocratic oath?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
- I'd Iet you die. - Oh, yeah?
I'II be back in Iike... an hour.
Have fun.
I'm just getting some yogurt.
God, I am singIe as fuck.
Oh, my God.
It Iooks Iike it's coming right at me.
Hey, one more thing.
Don't caII my penis cute.
Even if it's dressed up Iike a Care Bear,
and it's giving you a Care Stare.
Don't dress up your penis. Ever.
Does your insurance cover invasive procedures?
OK. OK, this is getting a IittIe too reaIistic.
Trust me.
I can't focus on my porn with aII this reaI sex going on around me!
Yes, I'm ready.
What are you doing?!
I just friended you. Do you think you're gonna confirm or ignore?
Oh, I'm gonna confirm. For sure.
Yeah, Iook at you. Of course.
Anytime. Need some heIp?
Oh, beautifuI! BeautifuI!
...the tomatoes are AustraIian.
- What was that? - What?
- Are you being jeaIous? - Of that guy? Come on.
Look, even if I did Iike him, it doesn't change what we're doing.
- Ah, so you Iike him. - Adam, I'm not yours.
No, of course not. Why wouId I think that?
Wow. Prius. Nice.
- It's kind of girIy, but nice, huh? - What do you drive?
Just an oId BMW. Five series. Right there.
Oh, yeah, sure. I actuaIIy paid for mine.
I didn't take it from my parents.
Yeah, I paid for mine, too.
Oh, yeah?
You're a big guy. Do you work out?
Oh. I row.
Like boats?
- I rowed crew at Harvard. - Oh, Harvard.
What were you, a cocksman? What do they say?
- What do they caII it? - Coxswain.
No. You know, I get it, right? That you're sIeeping with Emma?
I what?
That you and Emma have sex sometimes. I get it.
She's tired, she caIIs you up, you drive over,
and have sex for, I'm guessing, ten minutes.
Think that's gonna Iast?
I don't know what you're taIking about.
Sure you do. And that's fine, for now.
But you shouId just know that I'm gonna be there right next to her every day,
using big words...
...saving peopIe's Iives.
Then, when she's done having her fun with you, she's gonna
come running to me, because I'm a grownup, and I have a reaI job.
I can actuaIIy take care of her, you know?
I'm the guy she marries, Adam.
You're the guy she fucked a coupIe of times in the handicapped bathroom.
- What's this? - These are my feet, Adam.
- They're fantastic. - No, this.
That's your script.
Your dad toId me to give it to you.
Yeah, he read it, and he gave you notes, and...
I'm not saying AIvin and I did mushrooms together,
but I'm not prepared to say that we didn't.
I know that you have issues with your dad, and that's cooI,
but he reaIIy Iikes you and he definiteIy Iikes me,
and we were just jamming ideas and goofing around
and tripping our baIIs off.
Hey. So... I reaIIy feeI Iike it needs to be more ghetto.
You know, Iike, more crunk? Can you work it out? Thanks.
- Hey. Nice moves. - Hey.
I know you were trying reaIIy hard out there, but it just didn't work.
Hey, wouId you ever...? I...
I wrote an episode.
- I used to write in coIIege, so... - OK.
I'm gonna have to stop you right there.
- Not your job. - Yeah.
Hey. I'm, Iike, actuaIIy one of those freaks who reads things,
so if you wanted to give it to me, that's cooI.
- ReaIIy? - Yeah.
- Thank you. - Sure.
Megan Iistens to me. Sometimes.
Victoria! SeriousIy? Like, I can see you smoking right there.
Put it out! I'm not gonna chase you.
I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna... Victoria! Hey!
Emma!
Katie, is everything OK? I got your message.
Emma, I have reaIIy good news.
OK, it happened yesterday after the picnic,
but I wanted to teII you in person.
Oh, my God.
I'm getting married.
I'm getting married!
- You're getting married. - I'm getting married!
Mom is so excited.
She was Iike screaming and crying Iast night.
And she's gonna fIy down with Bones and heIp me shop for the dress.
With who? ''Bones''? Who's Bones?
- Oh, crap. - Katie, who's Bones?
He's Mom's friend.
I wasn't supposed to teII you about it. Crap.
She has a boyfriend? Named Bones?
- What is he, a drifter? - No.
Why didn't she teII me?
WeII, Emma...
You're so good at being aIone. Mom and I aren't Iike that.
- What's that supposed to mean? - It just is true.
Look, Katie.
You're 22. Do you reaIIy think you're ready to quit schooI...?
I Iove him.
Tea for your 'gina.
Thanks. My sister's getting married.
- Yes, we know that. - We heard.
Oh, shut up, Emma.
Did you take your Pamprin?
- Leave me aIone. - You Ieave me aIone.
I Iove it when we're aII on the same cycIe.
We aII get to be passive-aggressive and fight.
You are not even a woman.
Who is that?
HeIIo?
Hey, ii's Adam.
Are you kidding me?
Go away.
I've got cupcakes.
HeIIo, everyone.
I toId you not to come. It's not safe in here.
Do you think that you have red veIvet in there?
I might.
Let's take a Iook and see what we have here.
Shira, chocoIate. Now.
I understand what's going on. You're aII on the same cycIe.
This is very exciting.
Your uterine waIIs wiII be shedding for the next three to five days.
Nice memorization. Did you GoogIe that?
I may have.
Because you're women. And I think that's a beautifuI thing.
It's Iike a crime scene in my pants.
Oh. I aIso...
...made you this.
To heIp soothe your womb.
It's a mix.
''Even FIow,'' ''Red Red Wine.''
''Sunday BIoody Sunday''?
Adam.
Did you make me a period mix?
That's so romantic.
Frank Sinatra.
''I've Got The WorId On A String.''
It's a cIassic.
Keep, keep bleedin'love
l keep bleedin'...
Get that shit away from me.
Come on, it's soup. It's good for your uterus.
Just take it, or I'm gonna keep singing.
Keep bleedin', l keep, keep bleedin'love
Oh, shit.
Oh, Adam.
Adam.
What?
We feII asIeep. We were spooning.
- We were? - Yeah.
And we were spooning with our cIothes on,
which is Iike ten times worse.
- Oh, shit. - Yeah.
- FuIIy cIothed spoon. - This is bad.
This is my fauIt. I shouId not have made you soup.
- What are we gonna do? - About what?
Maybe we shouId... Maybe we shouId stop for a whiIe.
No, we're not stopping.
Yeah, weII, I don't know.
Go hook up with someone eIse.
- Are you serious? - Yeah, go...
Go to the nearest bar and have sex with a stranger.
- You're kidding? - No.
- This is crazy. - You made me a period mix.
Adam, this is an emergency.
- So you just want me to go? - Yeah.
- Just have sex with a random woman? - Yeah, go.
Like a sexuaI woman?
Yes!
I'II go have sex with someone, too.
OK.
- No, this is gonna be good for us. - Yeah. It's great.
Great. WeII done. WeII pIayed.
Bye.
I haven't seen her in two weeks, so...
She said I shouId hook up with other peopIe.
I mean, what am I supposed to do with that?
- Look at my face. - No, I get it. I just...
Look at my face. What does my face say?
Yeah, Adam, come on, you're Iiving every man's dreams.
I mean, she wants you to hook up with other girIs.
- Yes. - Look, in ten years from now,
you're gonna be having sex with your wife.
And it's gonna be in the missionary position.
- And one of you is going to be asIeep. - Yep.
And you're gonna think back to this moment,
and you're gonna caII me up, crying.
And I'm gonna Iaugh in your face, Adam. I'm sorry, but it's what I'm gonna do.
This is a gift right now.
You don't even have to have breakfast with her.
I know. I get that. I just...
Look at my face.
You bringing Adam to the Christmas party tonight?
No. Things were getting too intense, so we decided not to see each other
untiI we hook up with other peopIe.
OK. Yes. Good. We are getting Iaid tonight, right?
This is gonna be Iike Sideways, except that you're PauI Giamatti,
- and I'm the guy that gets Iaid. - I can't get Iaid?
No. Tonight is about me, Emma. AII right? I'm feeIing hot.
I'm feeIing good. I am wearing bikini bottoms
because my other underwear is dirty.
AII right, we're hot. You feeI hot?
No one threw up on me today.
We're sIuts, Emma! We're dirty, dirty, sIuts!
- OK. - Remember, we're sIuts!
Good evening, sir.
No, I got that! I got that, paI. That's gonna be me.
- Did you just open the car door for me? - Yes, I did.
No one's ever done that for me before. Do it again.
AII right.
- How's that? - It's amazing.
Can I have your arm?
So, when I have to teII someone that someone they Ioved died,
it's hard, you know? Sometimes I Iaugh.
Because it's kind of weird.
Very nice.
- Oh, don't even think about it. - I'm gonna go taIk to him.
Emma, no.
I'm gonna do this.
Emma, think about your career. Do not do this.
- Dr. Metzner. - Yes?
Hi. I'm Emma Kurtzman.
I've been ho, ho, hoping that I'd get the chance to taIk to you.
- Does anyone here need a drink? - Patrón!
How are you guys doing?
- Joy, come join us. - Hey, Joy.
- What's up? - I have to work.
- Come on, just sit down for a second. - Sit down.
- OK. - Come on. Here. You take that one.
- We're just hanging. - Thank you.
Screw the customers.
She is so good at impressions.
- Do an impression, then. - Yes, do an impression.
AII right, guess who this is.
Dad!
- Dad! - Oh, my God, that's so cute.
- I don't know. - Come on.
- Where are you? - I don't know.
- Where are you, Dad? - It's Nemo.
- Yes! - Yeah.
- Nemo. - Amazing.
I don't know why I didn't get that. How did you know that?
'Cause I've seen it a thousand times. That's how.
- Drew Barrymore. - I don't know if I'm drunk enough.
- Come on. - You can't do Drew Barrymore.
Oh, but she can.
Happy hoIidays. I was in The Wedding Singer.
That's it. That's aII I have.
That was kind of an amazing Drew Barrymore.
You kind of even Iooked Iike her when you did it.
Oh, my God, Joy. I Iove you so much.
You do?
Yeah.
Lisa...
...I Iove you.
- Wait. - I'm seriousIy in Iove with you.
Wait. Why didn't you teII me sooner?
- I didn't have the courage. - Oh, my God. This is amazing.
- God, you Iook so beautifuI. - And your eyes are so pretty.
- Have you got...? - Let's do this.
WaIIace, couId you take a picture of this?
Yeah, WaIIace, I got a camera right here, if you just wanna...
No probIem at aII. Just get a IittIe cIoser, Iadies.
AII right. Everybody smiIe.
Happy ho-Iidays!
Hey, hey!
Merry Christmas. Happy hoIidays.
Can I get you a dri...?
You want to get out of here?
Yes. Yeah.
I'II get my stuff.
Listen, don't fuck one of those girIs.
They're not... they're not nice. They're not nice girIs.
What? Emma?
ls ihai you?
Katie!
Yeah, hi. Whai are you doing? Where are you?
I'm just studying for the doctor test.
You're coming tomorrow, right?
HoId on.
Hey, Adam.
l am following your insiruciions diligenily.
- Pui ihai away! - Who are you taIking to?
Are you there? You're not there, are you?
Taxi! Taxi!
Take me to Adam's house.
- OK, ma'am, where's that? - Where Adam Iives.
- AII right... - Just go. Go.
OK, I'm going.
Got a cocktaiI for the Iadies.
That's my Christopher WaIken.
Yeah. I'II just set these over here and...
...then we can aII sort of invoIve ourseIves in...
OK, Iet's...
WeII, you guys are doing a reaIIy good job.
I'II just be over here if you need me.
Adam!
Adam FrankIin!
Adam! FrankIin!
OK.
Just keep up the good work, Iadies.
What are...? What are you...?
Hey.
Are you...?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
What's going on?
- This is Joy. - I'm Joy. Hi.
- Good for you. - Adam?
And this is Lisa.
You are such an overachiever.
Thank you.
No, we don't need her. Make her Ieave.
No. You Ieave.
Are you trying to get rid of us?
You Iook Iike a pumpkin, bitch!
- This is amazing. - Oh, you make... Hey!
OK. I got this.
I got this. You just... caIm down.
But we don't Iook anything Iike pumpkins.
I know. She probabIy forgot to take her meds.
You know, for your own safety, you'd better get your stuff and go.
Thanks.
Watch out, though. She couId be anywhere.
She's quick. Like a puma.
You're so mean!
Ring, ring! It's the pumpkin patch! They want their pumpkins back!
- We're not pumpkins! - We're Iadies!
But you're so orange.
Hey, someone caII CharIie Brown!
We found the Great Pumpkin!
Ow! Don't! Don't!
You're crazy.
I feIt Iike FIavor FIav.
- I can't beIieve you chose those girIs. - Are you jeaIous?
Don't do that. Don't just disappear Iike that on me.
- You toId me to. - You shouIdn't Iisten to me.
Fine, I won't.
- Did you smeII my hair? - No.
- What did you want to taIk to me about? - Wait. Just hang out here.
Right here?
Oh, man.
Surprise!
Happy birthday!
As ihe days of ihe year roll by
There's one ihai brings a iear io a daddy's eye
'Cause l'm so happy
To be your pappy
Today and l'll iell you why
li's your birthday
Baby boy
- li's your birthday - Birthday
Birthday boy
- Happy birthday, happy birthday - Hap... py!
- Happy birthday, happy birthday - Birth... day!
Happy birthday
To you
Everybody!
Happy birthday
To you!
BIow it out! BIow it out! Oh, Adam, happy birthday.
- We're so proud of you. - Make a wish.
Guys, you get a five-minute warning.
- OK? - No, he's ten-one.
I aIready texted him.
- So, aII is forgiven? - No. Nothing is forgiven.
Adam, don't you think it's been weird for me, too?
Knowing that... my own son had sex with my girIfriend?
But I got over it. You shouId, too.
Excuse me! Can I have your autograph, pIease?
- Mine, too, pIease. - CertainIy.
Listen, Iet me take you to a nice birthday dinner tonight.
You, me and Vanessa. We have something we want to taIk to you about.
- Something? - Yeah.
- Like what? - Just something important, OK?
- PIease don't do this. - 8:30, STK.
AII right? Be there. Bring anyone you want, aII right?
- Bye, everyone. Thank you. - Oh, thank you so much for coming.
It's been an honor.
- Great Scott! - Bravo! Bravo!
What the fuck?
- What happened? - Oh, my.
Are you OK? Are you OK? What happened?
- Give me that! - That's my phone!
Fuck you, Chuck! You're very taIented, but fuck you!
Can we get a medic, pIease?
Try to use it as IittIe as possibIe.
- No sports or working out for a whiIe. - Dr. Metzner?
Adam, what's going on? What happened?
He sprained his wrist punching a waII.
You texted me that you were dying.
It reaIIy hurt.
I gave him some hydrocodone for the night. It's a very strong painkiIIer.
You might want to have Dr. Kurtzman here drive you home.
And here is a prescription for an anti-infIammatory.
Don't worry. You're in good hands.
Your girIfriend here is a very taIented doctor.
No. No, I'm... I'm not his girIfriend.
She is not my girIfriend.
Oh, sorry. I saw that he Iisted you as an emergency contact.
My mistake. FeeI better.
Oh, by the way, I enjoyed your dad's TV show.
Greai Scott. That's funny stuff.
I'II teII him you said that.
My dad invited me to dinner,
and he's bringing Vanessa.
- You have to come. - No, I don't.
I just worked 14 hours. I'm not gonna meet your parents.
You know what? Just heIp me.
These are reaIIy powerfuI painkiIIers. I can't feeI anything.
FeeI that?
Yeah. I feIt that.
Happy birthday, Adam.
I'm so gIad you guys couId join us for dinner.
Cheers. I'II come right back to take your order.
So, how you doing there, kiddo?
Perfect, Dad. Thank you for asking.
How Iong have you two been together?
Oh, we're not.
- We're sex friends. - Yeah. Yes, we are.
Yeah, friends with benefits? Fuck buddies?
Great Scott!
I know this might be hard, but just because I'm your ex-girIfriend
doesn't mean that you can't Iook at me as a kind of... mum?
- Oh, boy. - EspeciaIIy because, weII,
AIvin and I have been taIking about creating new Iife together.
You see, we were at Burning Man.
- And we were dressed up. - Yeah. I was dressed as a fire bird.
And what were you dressed as?
I was naked. And we were just out there in the desert,
and he was burying my bare body in the sand.
Yeah. Pecking at it with my... fire beak.
And then I just thought,
you know, what if aII these grains of sand,
were actuaIIy babies?
- And so we... - We had this wonderfuI idea.
And we... weII, we'd Iike your bIessing, Adam.
How do you feeI about the two of us having a baby together?
Adam.
This isn't reaIIy my pIace. I mean, who am I?
I just have sex with your son sometimes.
- But... - Yes, she does.
But... there is reaIIy no reason
for you to bring a chiId into this worId,
since you're acting Iike chiIdren aIready.
- That was reaIIy mean. - Yeah.
I'm mean. But you're fucking crazy.
'Cause given the choice between Adam and his dad,
given the choice between Adam and anyone, reaIIy,
I'd choose Adam, every time.
- Do you want to get out of here? - Yep.
Fuck this.
Oh, by the way...
...it's the best sex of my Iife.
Great Scott!
I have to say, this is probabIy the best birthday dinner ever.
I wanted to make it speciaI.
Yeah? Where's the cake?
That comes Iater, baby.
- Hey. - What?
Thank you for what you did back at the restaurant.
Go on a date with me.
You're heaviIy sedated.
Come on, it's... it's one date. Just do it.
Why? So I can wear makeup and act perfect aII night?
Yeah.
I'II pick you up, and we can taIk about our favorite books
and our favorite TV shows.
I'II pay for everything, and you can reward me
with an over-the-jeans cock rub.
Like a reaI date.
- Is that reaIIy what you want? - This Friday.
This Friday is VaIentine's Day.
- Yeah. - No.
Go big or go home. There'II be hearts,
and maybe some fIowers.
One date.
Fine.
- What? - I'II go on a date with you.
- I thought that's what you said. - But no fIowers, OK?
You Iook amazing.
Thank you.
- You said no fIowers. - That's pretty cute.
Yeah, I'm pretty good at this.
Thank you.
I've had a reaIIy tough day, so, I just won't...
I promise. It's about to get better.
- I made you a VaIentine's Day card. - What?
It's perfect.
Can you read it for me? Is that weird?
''You give me premature ventricuIar contractions.''
- I'm assuming that's a good thing? - You make my heart skip a beat.
- Don't make fun of me. - Wow.
- So, you ready for tonight? - Yeah.
I'm gIad to see you.
- Are you excited? - Yeah.
- Louder! - Yeah!
- So excited!
- Here's our itinerary. - You made me an itinerary?
Yeah, we got a Iot to do. We got to make up for Iost time.
GoogIe Maps. Nice.
OK, fuII discIosure:
I have pIayed before,
and I might be kind of good.
- This is pretty. - It is pretty.
- But this... it's just gonna be fun. - OK.
Ladies first.
OK. Don't expect too much.
Nice and easy.
- Yeah. I stuck it in. - Wow.
WeII, this hoIe's a IittIe bit more compIicated.
You're gonna have to bank it off there. It's aII about the geometry.
I'm a doctor.
That hoIe is my bitch!
Yes! Yes!
Yeah!
Thank you.
I don't get my own miIkshake?
No, it's one miIkshake, two straws. That's what makes it speciaI.
But I'm so hungry.
We have dinner Iater. Didn't you read the itinerary?
You're gonna get more shake, you have a bigger mouth.
You have a pretty big mouth. Oh, easy.
Hey! That's cheating.
Sorry.
Thanks.
I reaIIy Iike you.
I actuaIIy think that...
...I'm faIIing...
You can have the rest.
How do they change these IightbuIbs?
Must be a nightmare.
- Adam? - Oh, here. You want your coat?
- I can take that. - You coId?
I can't do this. CouId you pIease take me back to work?
No. No, that's not the deaI.
The deaI is that we're gonna waIk around,
and we're gonna Iook at the twinkIy Iights, and then...
Why are you messing everything up?
That's what peopIe do, Emma.
They buy each other fIowers, and they go to museums...
You know me. This stuff freaks me out.
It's fake.
What's wrong with what we're doing? It's working. We don't have to fight...
- Maybe I want to fight. - Yeah, weII, I don't.
What are you gonna do? You're never gonna feeI anything?
How you gonna do that?
I don't know. I'II figure it out.
- You're so messed up. - Yeah?
I don't need you to take care of me. I take care of myseIf.
That's what I do.
Why don't you go find some other girI who's not gonna hurt you?
Because I Iove you.
It's obvious. I compIeteIy Iove you. There.
Oh, yeah. You're such a wimp.
- I am not a wimp. - WeII, then be with me!
OK, you're gonna fight me. Yeah? Is that what you're gonna...?
You can't fight me, you're miniature. You're Iike a girI Rick Moranis.
You fight Iike a hamster.
Hey. Hey!
Excuse me! Excuse me! You can't do that here.
OK. I'm sorry.
AII right, you're out!
I can't keep doing this.
I'm not gonna see you again.
I know.
That makes sense.
Bye.
- Hey, you OK? - Yeah. I'm fine, thanks.
- You wanna go get a coffee? - No, thanks.
You're a reaIIy good cook.
Oh, this? I just threw it together.
Oh, shit.
Oh, hey, Adam!
Adam. HeIIo!
Lucy.
Yeah, we were just having a romantic night
when your friend stopped by from work.
UsuaIIy I spend VaIentine's Day catching up on work and stuff,
but this is Iike, this is reaIIy fun.
How was your night?
Yeah, it wasn't.
Do you want to go to my room?
Yes, I do. Perfect.
Sorry, gotta go. So sorry.
Oh, you know what? I need a napkin. Can I just borrow this one?
Sorry. Just... quick. Thank you. BeautifuI.
So, I'm reaIIy excited to taIk to you.
I hope it's OK that I got your address from the W-4.
- Is that weird? OK. - No.
Oh, wow. This is cooI. This is a cooI space.
- Thanks. - Cozy.
I didn't know that... I'm sorry about everything.
What? Oh, my God. You're sorry? Are you crazy?
No, I'm sorry. I'm the one who's come to your house uninvited.
So unprofessionaI. But I read your script.
- And I Iove it. I reaIIy do. - ReaIIy?
Yeah, and honestIy, Iike, I didn't think that you couId write,
mainIy 'cause you're just... so beautifuI.
- SeriousIy, it's distracting for me. - Thank you. For reading it.
Yeah.
I mean, it's just teenagers singing about homework.
Yeah, yeah, but no, I read it and I was Iike,
''God, I want to, Iike, drive over there and teII him in person.''
So I did. I got in my car, and here I am.
You know, it's just... I know, it sounds crazy,
'cause now that I'm saying it out Ioud, it does sound crazy.
It's not crazy. I mean, thank you for reading it.
No, no, no. I e-maiIed it to Megan, and...
- No shit? - Yeah.
- And we'II see what she says. - Wow.
Yeah, I toId her she'd be crazy to not Iike it.
But then again, she is a functioning psychotic, so it's Iike, who knows?
But there is this extra episode right before the break.
And they are gonna hire a freeIancer, so...
I feeI Iike I'm taIking too much about this, but...
- Hey, do you wanna...? - What?
Yeah, sorry. What were you gonna...?
Just to hang out.
Oh. That's crazy. I was Iike, ''What's he gonna say?''
and then you said that. It's not what I thought you were gonna say.
That is a chair.
Fuck, yeah.
Do I curse too much?
Fuck, no.
Dr. Anseed, ihree-two-five-one. Dr. Anseed...
- Hey. - ...ihree-two-five-one.
Can I say something?
And don't take this the wrong way,
because you know I'II be your friend, no matter what.
It's just, you've been kind of depressing to be around IateIy,
and I might start avoiding you in the haIIway, that's aII.
Just thought you shouId know.
So, we won't be there for the rehearsaI dinner,
but we'II definiteIy be there for the wedding on Saturday.
WeII, what are you doing tonight?
Adam's episode is taping tonight, so EIi wanted to go.
- I don't have to go. - No. No, go. Have fun, reaIIy.
Doctors.
So?
Don't worry about it. I'II see you Saturday.
- He's an amazing Iover. - Oh, boy.
That's...
...why they caII him Bones.
You know, I worry about you sometimes.
Why? Is this about me not having a date?
No, no. I know you can dance aIone, and I know that you'II be fine.
You're aIways fine.
- So? - I don't know.
When we Iost your father, I couIdn't stand to see you in pain,
and... I think you knew that.
And I think that... you got good at being strong for me.
But I'm teIIing you, be hurt.
I can take it.
The worId can take it.
OK.
Very pretty here.
So come by the bar. Great pIace.
Bring your friends. I wiII take care of you.
Here's my business card. I'm the owner. Me.
- So make sure you come by. - Yeah.
AII right? Hey. Great job.
- Yeah, great job, man. - ReaIIy good, yeah.
- You guys Iiked it? Like reaIIy? - Yeah.
- But WaIIace cried. - So?
It reminded me of my senior prom.
I got a hand job on the dance fIoor to ''Who Let The Dogs Out.''
Hey. Sorry. OK, so there's good news, bad news.
The bad news is, Megan is remarkabIy drunk.
SeriousIy, she was, Iike, trying to take her shirt off.
But the good news is, she wants to put you on staff.
- ReaIIy? - So... Yeah.
- That's amazing. - Yeah, so she... Yeah.
- Thank you. - So, you're a paid writer.
Yeah.
Oh, my God. She's getting on the buffet tabIe? That makes...
Wow.
Why are you not trying to fuck that girI?
Yeah.
Yeah, she's crazy hot, Adam. She's Iike a sexy scientist.
You need to go over there, man up, you need to go for it.
We're counting on you here, man. Man up, man!
- Go for it! Man up! - You keep saying ''Man up.''
- You cried during the show. - I Iiked the show.
Yeah.
- It was very good. - It was OK.
You know, I have to... One minute.
Katie?
The bridesmaids had pot.
Oh, my God, I'm so hungry.
Are you OK?
I'm fine, I just... You know, I just...
Oh, God, I just Iove Kevin.
I just Iove Kevin so much, you know?
- I know you think it's stupid. - No. No, I don't.
- You don't? - No.
I can't stop thinking about him.
Who? Adam?
Yeah. I know it's over, and I'm Iooking.
It's just no one is as...
- TaII? - He's so taII.
- So taII... - And he's so, Iike...
- Happy? - AnnoyingIy happy, aII the time.
But he has this...
He has the best heart.
- CaII him. - What? No.
I can't just caII him.
I'm too stoned. Don't argue with me.
He doesn't want me to caII him.
I'm the bride. You have to do what I say.
- We haven't taIked in months. - I'm the bride, it's my day.
It's my day!
Hey, Adam!
Oh, God.
You're so dope. Did you know that about yourseIf?
Mama needs to get a cab home, so...
- Yeah. - Shoot, I Ieft my phone in my office...
I got it, I got it. Hang on. Here.
- Do you want to caII and just...? - Yeah.
What are you doing?
Chuck! Chuck! WiII you pIease fuck off? PIease?
- I don't want to go. - Yeah, aII right.
I don't want to go home.
- I don't want to go home. - Who is it?
''Do Not CaII Her'' is caIIing. Do you want to take it?
I want your face.
Hello?
Hi.
It's Emma. Kurtzman.
From Camp Weehawken.
Yes... What is it?
So, my sister is getting married in Santa Barbara tomorrow, and...
l don'i know. l heard your show is ionighi. Congraiulaiions.
Thank you.
I know this is random. I just...
I miss you. I miss you so much.
OK.
I don't know what to say.
You're... You're caIIing me because you're at your sister's wedding,
and she Iooks happy, and...
...everyone is happy, and you're noi.
I thought... I don't know what I thought. I just...
I... I guess I wanted to hear your voice.
- I mean, I know we broke up, but... - Emma.
We didn't break up. We never started.
l gotta go. l'm siill ai work, so...
Have fun at the wedding, and teII your sister congratuIations.
Bye.
Oh, fuck.
I have to...
- Go. - Now.
- Hey. Can I? - Hey. Of course.
Is everything OK? Are you...?
Yeah.
- Yeah. Yes. - Yeah. Good.
- This is amazing. - Yeah.
Thank you for this. This...
- What? - This was aII you.
- What? No, I mean... - No, I'm not here without you.
That's... That's not true. It's aII you.
It's aII you. This was aII you.
Hey, wait! If you don't make it back for my wedding, I'II kiII you.
Bye. Drive safe.
No, but that was you, and it feIt poignant
that, of course, the song was ''It Was You.''
- When Benji and Sari did the kiss... - They committed to it.
That's what hit. Do you think they couId remix the song?
How drunk was Megan? She tried to hump my Ieg.
You have no idea, the stories that I couId teII you.
- No, she reaIIy tried to Iike mount it. - Yeah, I know.
Yeah, I got it.
Ornery thing.
Hey. How'd it go? Did you find him?
Yeah. He was with... with a girI. It was his girIfriend.
And I was in a bush.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Crap.
- Are you siill ihere? - Yeah.
OK, get in your car and drive away.
And how much money do you have on you?
Like ten bucks.
OK. The box of 50 doughnut hoIes is $5.79.
You're gonna need two boxes.
I Iost him.
- l'm so sorry. - Yeah.
- l love you. - I know.
So, then when I was, Iike, 1 1 , I was in therapy
because I was, Iike, obsessiveIy biting my hair,
and then three months in, my therapist died.
- I know, so that was kind of a bummer. - Whoa.
But, yeah. That's why I hate pIanes.
Thanks.
- So, that's that story. - Cheers.
Thank you.
- I'm so sorry. - No...
- That was such a faiI on my part. - It's OK...
- Wait, Iet me... - It's fine.
We can... I can do better than that.
- Can we try again? - Sure. MuIIigan.
- Let's... Why don't we...? - OK.
AII right.
Oh, my God. This is happening. Is this reaIIy happening?
Oh, my God. You're touching me. This is so happening.
Maybe we don't need to taIk about everything.
Oh. OK, great. OK. CooI.
Wait. Are you sure that you want to do this, though?
Yes. Yeah.
OK, 'cause, Iike, we can just taIk about it, if you want...
- Let's not taIk about it. - Oh, OK. OK.
Wait. ShouId I take my shirt off, or do you want to...
Do you want to take it off yourseIf?
- I'II take it off. - You know what? I'II take it off.
OK.
GIad I wore a good bra.
Is that your phone? Do you wanna...?
We'II just ignore it.
You can just get it.
No, it's fine.
- Is it ''Do Not CaII Her''? - No.
I don't know.
Wait. I'II just...
- OK. - I'II just shut it off.
Yeah, just... That'II be easier, switch...
- Sorry. - Yeah.
Vanessa?
- I'm coming. - You're what?
It's my dad. There's an emergency. He's in the hospitaI.
Oh, my God. OK. Do you want me to go with you?
- No, I'm OK. - OK.
- Can I caII you Iater? - Yeah. No, I'II get a cab.
I'II, Iike, find my way home. Go. Yeah.
Keep, keep bleedin'love
Keep bleedin' l keep, keep bleedin'
Hey. Where is he? What happened?
OK.
Don't freak out, OK?
Your dad overdosed on cough syrup.
- He what? - The PurpIe Drank.
''The PurpIe Drank''?
It's Seven-Up, cough syrup and a JoIIy Rancher.
Why wouId he do that, Vanessa?
Because he Ioves LiI Wayne, OK?
You don't know everything about your dad.
Why are you making him Iisten to LiI Wayne?
- You shouId be taking care of him. - I can't do this. I can't do it.
You know, I didn't think that it was gonna be so...
I don't want to have kids. I... I just... I want to have fun.
- He's so oId. - Yeah. He's getting oIder.
And you're gonna have to deaI with that.
Adam... oId peopIe scare me.
Let's just go see him, OK?
No, no, no. I can't. I can't. Adam, I can't. I've gotta go.
My friend, she's having a party. I'm aIready so Iate.
WiII you just take FreckIes?
Don't take this the wrong way, but you're a terribIe person.
Just take FreckIes.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, kiddo.
- I had a bad trip on The Drank. - Yeah, I heard.
If anybody asks, this is a Seeing Eye dog.
- Where's...? - She went home.
Right.
I reaIIy don't Iike the LittIe Wayne. Can't understand what he's saying.
You know who I wish was here right now?
Your mom.
Yeah. WeII, you Ieft her, so...
Why?
When you're married and you do bIow...
...try to stay away from women who want to fuck you.
Even ugIy women.
BIow is bIind, Adam. BIow is bIind.
You're an asshoIe.
But you're not.
You got a good heart, Adam. Try to keep it.
Where's that girI, Emma? You guys stiII together?
- We were never together. - Oh, that's right. Friends...
Sex friends... I'm oId. I don't know what you caII it.
You Iiked her.
She drives me crazy.
I'm 58 years oId. I've been married three times.
Twice.
OK.
I've got six pictures of my cock on my phone,
and two of someone eIse's,
and I'm stiII pretty high on the cough syrup,
so you can take this with a grain of saIt, but...
...we don't pick who we faII in Iove with.
And it never happens Iike it shouId.
Yes.
I may have to kiII this dog. I just haven't decided how.
Get some sIeep, Dad.
I'II caII you in the morning.
He'II caII in the morning.
Isn't that something?
Am I boring you?
Oh, good.
Adam!
Hey. You can't caII me and teII me that you miss me.
I don't want to have that conversation on the phone.
So you can't text me and you can't e-maiI me,
and you can't... write on my waII.
Like, if you reaIIy miss me, you need to grow up
and get in your car and come and see me.
I'm here.
How did... How did you know that...?
Shira texted me about your dad, so I came here.
You got...
How is your dad?
- He's OK. - Good.
- I know I can't just caII you. - No. You can't.
I know. I hurt you. I'm sorry.
I don't know why I wasted so much time pretending I didn't care.
I guess I just didn't want to feeI Iike this.
It hurts.
But I Iove you. I'm totaIIy and compIeteIy in Iove with you,
and I don't care if you think it's too Iate, I'm teIIing you anyway.
- WiII you pIease say something? - Wait.
You shouId know...
...if you come any cIoser,
I'm not Ietting you go.
- I Iove you. - That's good.
You want to go with me to this stupid thing?
Your sister's wedding thing?
How Iong do we have tiII we have to be there?
A coupIe hours.
- What do you want to do? - Something crazy.
Now I know why you never wanted to have breakfast with me.
What?
You eat Iike a baby dinosaur. You don't even chew.
Do you think you can get used to it?
Yeah, I think so.
Good. I was hoping we couId do this a Iot more.
ReaIIy? You know, I was thinking...
We're gonna have to come up with some new ruIes.
I'd Iike to start caIIing you ''honey'' and ''babe.''
- I don't know about ''babe.'' - No?
- SnuggIing? - Oh, yeah.
- I'm gonna hoId your hand. - Wow. This is aII moving so fast.
AIso, I'd Iike to Ieave the door open when I pee.
I think no.
I think I'm gonna do it aII the time. It's gonna get weird.
- Thank God we're on time. - Yeah.
So what happens now?
- Adam shouId be here any minute. - Good, 'cause I'm starving.
So, you've toId him about us.
- No, not yet. - What?
I thought I'd wait tiII he got here.
- And that's a good idea? - Yeah, it'II be fine.
So, to Burning Man?
- Was that fun, or what? - So fun.
Dad!
EIi!
This is her! This is Patrice!
Hi, it's so nice to see you again.
- We Iove you aIready! - Come on, famiIy hug!
Shira, I feeI Iike there are parts of me that I haven't expIored yet.
And I'm feeIing Iike I want to see other peopIe.
Oh, I thought... This is embarrassing.
I have been seeing other peopIe, Sam.
- You have? - Yeah, a Iot of other peopIe.
How many?
I don't know, man. I mean,
two that I can think of off the top of my head, but...
- You remember when I went to Cabo? - Yeah.
- I was a very bad girI on that trip. - You're kidding me?
You're doing great.
Keep pushing.
Oh, God.
I've got the ice chips, honey. Here you go.
Oh, I hate you, you dumb fuck! Get the fuck out...
- You eat the fucking ice chips! - I Iove you so much.
Come on. It's OK.
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